Come on a wonderful tour of Melbourne’s best kept secret: Thornbury Victoria Australia. A lively hub full of great foods and great shopping opportunities. All of Melbourne is talking Thornbury and ‘All Eyes [are also] On Thornbury’. Thank you.
A gent will learn alot about tenderness, sensual touch and invigorating massage if he owns a cat. He will be a better ladies man. Dapper, aloof, mysterious and forever moulting away unwanted habits and destructive patterns. We met this man behind our villa last week. He is totally dedicated to the plight of the urban cat and a great inspiration to Chirsp and Allen. Please watch his instructional video on urban cat care.
Once again we met up with our cat stroking, cat loving pal – Will Green. Feel free to email Will at chirspandallen@gmail.com and we’ll pass on your questions. We’re pretty sure he can answer every cat related query.
And for those who missed out on his earlier walks and tid bits, scroll on.
Let’s take a drive!
Ronan tricked me in Venice, told me to practice my expensive new acting skills so he could get the perfect stills shot over the canal. The rascal was recording the whole time! What a trickster and a rapscallion and a dirty little hand-rat. Chirsp and Allen prefer friends to be frank and honest when traveling and to get the perfect shots – especially when enjoying the wonders of wet-towns like Venice Italy thank-you.
Get into the wild world of online e-gaming with the massive multiplayer online role-playing game (MMORPG) ChirspLife from Chirsp & Allen eGamez! For a small monthly fee you can gain access to a whole world mildly more interesting and better rendered than the one you currently inhabit, where you can live out your fantasies and build up an extensive points-based wardrobe.
Our type command system is state of the art and can bring the best out of any DOS based operating system. See the demonstrations below for just a glimpse of all this e-world has to offer, and more!
Begin your MMORPG Chirsp & Allen adventure today!
CHIRSPLIFE 2.0 MMORPG
[MENU]
– Play –
[SAVE FILE: 1]
>get out of bed
Achievement: Bed Riser!
Outfit selection: puce rapscallion. Hat addition: 15+ status points.
Chapter selection: The Dawdler.
Task: Meet Scamp in ‘The Alley’.
Vehicle selection: Bike. 20+ fitness.
You are in The Alley. Scamp approaches!
Scamp challenges you to a round of ‘Two Up’. Accept: Y/N?
>Yes.
Sorry I don’t understand that. Y/N?
>Y
Scamp flips coins up. Select coin side.
You have selected ‘Tails’. Scamp takes all!
You have selected ‘Glock’. BAM! You have recovered 2 coins from Scamp.
Achievement: Coin Flip Gangsta!
Police sirens. You have selected ‘flee’.
Vehicle: Bus. Minus10 transport points. Cool meter downgraded to ‘Mutt’. You forfeit your hat.
>Drive to friend’s Bus Painting Shop.
Repaint bus: $30. Police evaded.
You have selected: Phone.
>Dial: Scamp
Scamp does not answer!
Leave message Y/N?
>Y
Enter message:
>Scamp where is da alley?
It looks like you are searching for ‘The Alley’. Is this correct?
>Y
The Alley was your last position before entering The Bus. Would you like to return?
>Y
You are at The Alley.
A Police Officer approaches. Talk Y/N?
>Y
>Where is Scamp?
Police: Scamp is dead.
MISSIONFAILED.
Re-spawn in Bed? Y/N?
>N
For only $39.99 you can sign up to our SocialCentre which pairs your son up with an anonymous adult player.
[SAVE FILE 2:]
Chapter selection: Hot Totz Rampage
Achievement: Baby King!
Inventory: you have selected ‘Rattle’.
>Shake rattle at Baby Goblin
Goblin cries. +10 Baby points.
You see a Baby Disco over the horizon, by the boarded up house next to the hole.
>Enter Baby Disco.
You walk over to the dance floor. There are 16 dancing babies.
Inventory: perm wig. +10 Disco Status points.
>Initiate dance sequence.
Bob legs: +3
Wobble head: +2
Baby Flip: +9
Mega Combo! +21
Achievement: Ferocious Baby Queen!
You have attracted 3 of 16 Dance Babies: Cecilia, Dernique, and Plithus.
>Target Cecilia.
Shimmy attack: 69% hit rate.
Cecilia initiates ‘dodge’ retaliation. Shimmy misses. Cecilia escapes.
>Target Plithus.
Bend at knees and wobble head.
Plithus: -20 self-respect.
You have won Plithus’ heart. +67 Love Points.
>Initiate Baby Kiss sequence.
You have dribbled too early. -80 Love Points.
You have lost Plithus!
Game over.
Re-spawn? Y/N
>N
[SAVE FILE 3:]
Chapter selection: Cool Guy
You are in your Disco Grotto.
>inspect grotto
Grotto is damp and cool, with a fine mist coming from a wizard’s cauldron. A dance floor made of coloured lights is off to the side, by the frog pond.
Achievement: Grotto Inspector!
Inventory: you have selected Map.
>inspect map.
You are in the Disco Grotto, which is the only map loaded.
>inspect grotto
Grotto not found.
>inspect environment.
You are in a wireframe model with no properties.
>run error check.
897 programming errors found.
Re-spawn? Y/N
>N
Aries – A long and flat dog will try to nip at your cat but as it jumps up its owner will scald it with a heavy hand. Long dogs can damage their spines if they jump up. Your cat will watch the beating and purr.
Taurus – Handfuls of treats will not placate the frustration of your cat today. This is the worst planetary alignment for a cat. Mercury in retrograde will cause tissue and muscle related pathologies: abscess, flake fur, deviated tongue, gland leakage, ear cutsies and curly tail.
Gemini – If you buy a cat a toy mouse, USE IT!. Get involved. Dangle it. Peg it. Rub it in cat nip. Rub a real mouse on it. Play is another way to connect with your cat. This is a lonely time for Gemini cats and they need a little playful love.
Cancer – Planning that trip to Torquay? Don’t even think about it. It’s by the sea you idiot. Taking cats to the sea is a stupid dog act, even if your cat is a crab.
Leo – Leo is roving through Scorpio’s fealties. This is dangerous! Your cat will be loud and taxonomic. Leos are prone to OCD so make sure you monitor any cataloguing and put a stop to it.
Virgo – The deadweight of the star signs, Virgos will continue their run of vapid idiocy unabated. It’s the same every week. And yet you keep checking.
Libra – Milky lapping and lap time are a no no this month as it’s time to be cold to your puss. A cat can take your pats, treats and loving greets for granted. It’s tough love time in the house of feline fanciers. Let your cat make do with a hard cushion, cold slab, moist blanket or prickle bed (available at the C&A online store). Feed with an indifferent throw of the moist meat. Pat with strong, annoying dog-like caresses.
Scorpio – Saturn rises into Nervin’s Lobe this week. Dark strangers (a pack of dogs called the Riddlerz) will enter your cat’s life, bearing fruit and quizzes. Solve the Riddler’s quiz and earn trust points, answer incorrectly and be prepared for a love rut. A bad time to ask for that promotion. Cool off under the house while shit blows over.
Sagittarius – Creative energy is in abundance while the Moon moves into Craigieburn. Scratch posting will be prolific, and your cat will excel at any scheduled wrangling. Basically untouchable, Sagittarians can run amok and let Virgos cop the flack. Keep the good china under lock and key and delete your browsing history.
Capricorn – A fine mist will exude from your cat’s torso, signalling the end of its larval stage. Fleeces, maligned toys and steel wool will disappear as it prepares its cocoon. A mind-map or thought poem will likely be left on your desk before it disappears completely: it’s a last chance for kitty to say goodbye but also a great opportunity to jot down any jokes or ideas that have occurred in these last frantic moments.
Aquarius – Your cat will remain frigid this week and shirk lower back rubs. Stick to the head and the occasional chin touch, if absolutely necessary. Store in a cool dry place.
Pisces – Your cat will react to lactose due to a generous yet misinformed cat Samaritan of Macedonian decent. Massage the tummy til a smell pops out and mix a thimble of cod liver oil into its dinner meat.
For any actor/comedienne/video blogger mastering the accent of a particular marginalized minority or other demographic is a potential gold mine when making sweeping and general observations for the sake of a hipster’s chuckle.
To help discover the accents within Chirsp & Allen have complied this video lesson on finding voice through the character’s handle.
Yummo! Look at that malleability.
Smooth away those caramel-grab arguments once and for all. The Carmel Umpire™ is a must for any household of caramel fanciers. Imagine this: Lachlan has a caramel and little Jenny wants that caramel. Lachlan refuses to break off a chewy nub of delicious caramel so Jenny holds Lachlan down with a knee to the neck and gets a bull-ant from her bug catcher and forces the ant to bite poor little Lachy’s eye ball. Tears, screams and a good licking follows (and I don’t mean the good caramelly type o’ lick’n).
Let's ask the ump!
This can all be avoided with Chirsp and Allen’s Caramel Umpire™.
The caramel is simply inserted into the device (pictured left)
Strike three Jenny. Give up that caramel!
The machine then gets to work cataloging the caramel’s particular sugars, which it then matches with a blood sample from both parties to determine whose enzymes will best take to the caramel. Only requires 2 cups of blood! Thank you Mr umpire, this argument is over.
Order today and a receive a free feathered caramel smearer for when hand to mouth just isn’t enough.
Just add caramel
‘Mum’s Grub Merlot 2008’
Wow! Finally a Merlot that doesn’t taste like pants and molars. This is a great drop reminiscent of a South African Merlot I drank in the Maldives in 1983 which floored my snobby tongue and reinvigorated my love for this unfashionable – socks with sandals – red wine. 
That night I courted a Persian Chumlak-dombolak player and we drank three of the bastards. Let’s just say by night’s end all I could do was mur mur murmur my room number to the bell hop (a lot! LOL Get it readers?). 
On the nose: Om Na Mane Padme Om and faces.
Mid pallette: Suggestions of corduroy and hope.
Front pallette: Gunk, brazil nuts and a dashing spin of crème brulee.
Drink with fun-cheese and malt. 8.5/10
Allen
Chirsp and Allen love their fruits. Melons, rambutans, persimmons, caramel-apples, lemons, cod-oranges, plantains, chewy nana, upright-longs and plums.
'It's just you and me, Chirsp.' - Sam Allen
Chirps and Allen also love to sauna. In fact Allen spent a week in a Sioux Indian sweat lodge in 2003 until he found his totem fruit; a Sargent Crab-Apple from Illinois. (Chirsp has yet to delve into his id to discover his archetypal fruit. This could be an age thing but Allen has a 7:3 wager with David Allen that it will be a Golden Delicious.)
The problem we and other lovers of sweet sweats have, is that fruit can pong up the sauna like an elderly gent in a hot car eating a soft ripe banana with his gingivitis ridden mouth. Yuck!
Lovers of Fruits, lovers of sauna, we have the solution: The Sweetie Hole™.
A steam and heat free compartment that can sit in any sauna or steam room; be it a modern infrared sauna or an old school hot rock sweat lodge.
A crisp Kiwi slice ready for a grabbin'.
Through the long rubber slit you can pull out your cumquat, apple or navel orange, have a nip or nibble and put it back in. What this reduces is fruit down-time: as fruit sits idle its smell becomes most active. From Hole to mouth the fruit doesn’t have a chance in ponging up the place.
Be adventurous, have a nip on a durian and see. 100% olfactory satisfaction guaranteed.
‘Eat ya fruits. Enjoy your sweats. Simple as that!’ – David Allen.
'Too much sauna for this hamper!' - David Allen
Crandall Willis may not be a professional man-maker like David Allen, but his common sense approach to wisdom imbibes many life lessons. Here we chronicle some of Crandall’s most profound tweets, from his first post over 2 years ago to some of his latest work at the beginning of this year. While sparse in form, a meditative mind will be able to track Crandall’s journey on the path of male-hood discovery.
Humble beginnings:
A positive self-image is crucial:
As is awareness of others:
A Journey: in four parts
chirspandallen.wordpress.com 